Once upon a thyme in the bustling town of Punville, there was a baker named Brad Renner who whisked he could change his life. Though Brad was dough-lighted with his chosen profession, his puns — obviously a significant part of life in Punville — were seemingly always half-baked. His friends encouraged him, telling him he was on a roll with the best punsters in town, but Brad felt he was never part of Punville’s upper crust. He kneaded inspiration to rise to the occasion and take the top spot in town.

A Baker’s Knead For Change

After months of planning, Brad’s ultimate dream came true. He had taken a whisk and opened his very own bakery, calling it “The Bread Pitt.” Some of his friends thought it was a crumby name, but Brad was on a roll. That first day, he kneaded dough, rolled it, and let it rest, hoping his bakery would rise to the top. His baking dreams had finally crumb true!

On the grand opening, the aroma of freshly baked bread wafted through the air, attracting a crowd. People from all over Punville came to get a slice of the action. Brad was in high spirits; his buns were selling like hotcakes, and he was on cloud wine. “Muffin compares to a fresh-baked morning!” he exclaimed to his line of customers.

Just as he felt he was at the pinnacle of his career, his rival in town, a baker named Rye-an Gosling, opened his bakery hot-cross the street. The shop’s name was “Loaf Actually.”

The Great Pun-off

Rye-an was a seasoned baker and knew how to butter up his customers. His pretzels tied customers in knots. His double-chocolate entendres were the bomb. His shop’s stereo system had folks bebopping with hits from the Yeastie Boys, The Rolling Scones, Shakiramisu, Jimi Hamdrix, Pumpernickelback, Bun Jovi, and, of course, Elvis Parsley.

On top of his keen baking and marketing skills, he had a rye sense of humor, making customers laugh and return for his scrumptious offerings. His bakery quickly became the toast of the town.

Of course, Brad felt a pang of jealousy, but knew he kneaded to stay focused. He couldn’t afford to be sourdough, especially if he wanted to wear the epicurean crown.

Later that wheat, Brad had a light-bulb revelation while he was kneading dough. He decided to host a pun contest to attract customers. Naming the contest “The Yeast of Your Worries,” the winner would get a year’s supply of fresh bread. The town was abuzz with this news, and customers started lining up to participate. Brad was on a roll and needed to keep the momentum going. “Bready or knot, here I crumb, Rey-an!” he declared.

Pun-derful Pastries

The contest was an instant hit, and townsfolk created puns that were indeed the best thing since sliced bread. Contestants received extra credit for culinary puns. Amongst selections that poured in:

Brad was thrilled; his bakery was jam-packed, and he was making serious bread. He had finally hit his sweet spot! One day, he stepped out of his bakery and shouted across the street, “Donut go breaking my tart, Rye-an! Heat it and weep!”

But Rye-an wasn’t one to loaf around. He hosted his own pun contest, “Batter Luck Next Time.” The winner would receive a golden rolling pin. The competition was fierce, and townsfolk also flocked to Rye-an’s bakery. Some of his submissions:

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• What do Russian kings order on their pizzas? Czardines.
• How can you tell when a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds.
• I just burned a Hawaiian pizza I was making. I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
• I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable. Someday, I hope to be a bouillonaire.
• The best thing about a bread joke? It never grows mold.
• You’re a gluten for punishment.
• There’s no place like home for the challah-days.
• Did you hear about the casino restaurant that feeds its cows cannabis? Yeah, some gamblers prefer high steaks.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Introducing G. Maurice McCookie

Brad felt the heat and knew he kneaded help to prevail.

Enter Brad’s bestie, the legendary local high school baseball coach who was a stud-muffin ballplayer in his youth until he tore his rotator cuff in his senior year at SHS. With the unlikely name of G. Maurice McCookie, the coach — he of almost deified status in Punville — had a genuine knack for making puns. Coach Maurice loved the idea of a pun-off and stepped up to help his buddy Brad. “Bradster, my man,” Coach Maurice exclaimed, “You’ve got to batter up and knock Rye-an out of the park!” In his best coach-speak, he exhorted, “I don’t give a crepe what’s going on across the street! We’ll unique up on him, and he’ll be toast! It’s a no-grainer! You gotta risk it for the biscuit!”

With Coach Maurice on board, Brad was pumped, rose to the occasion, and got creative with his pastries. He made a batch of éclairs and called them “Eclair-ly Delicious.” He whipped up some croissants and named them “Croissant Believe It’s Not Butter.” His pièce de résistance was a cake shaped like a book, which he called “The Great Gats-bake.” Coach Maurice suggested making doughnuts and calling them “Double Play Doughnuts.”

A Side of Baseball

Coach Maurice had undoubtedly influenced and brought a new twist to the bakery. Brad started incorporating baseball themes into his puns. He made a batch of cookies shaped and iced like baseballs and called them “Home Run Cookies.” He even created a special bread loaf named “Grand Slam Sourdough.” Fans and foodies alike couldn’t get enough of Brad’s batter-related treats, and he seemed to be hitting it out of the park with every new item.

Not to be outdone, Rye-an took a swing with his own puns. He baked pies, named them “Pie Hard,” and even put together a cake topped with jellybeans called “Field of Creams.” The rivalry was heating up as both bakeries swung for the fences.

The town’s Mayor, Robert Brownie Jr., increasingly grew tired of the tension between the two bakeries. Wanting to bring piece to his village, the Honorable Brownie summoned the two competitors to his office. “You two are baking me crazy. It’s buntably eclair to me that we need to stop this bickering. I loaf you both, but you butter believe me when I tell you this must stop. I’m too stressed to eat either of your desserts!”

Also eggshausted with the rivalry’s demands, Brad and Rye-an agreed to a bake-off to settle the score once and for all. At noon on 4/20/2024, the town gathered to watch the two bakers go head to head. The judges were Mayor Brownie, Madam Hannah Loaf, a local food critic, and celebrity chef Bobby Fillet.

Brad baked a gorgeous iced cake shaped like a baseball diamond and called it “Batter Up.” Rye-an, not to be outdone, baked a stunning pie with a perfectly woven lattice crust and named it “Grand Slam Pie.” The judges greatly admired the creative abilities of each baker and then tasted the creations. The tension was palpable.

The judges deliberated for an eggscrutiatingly long tyme. Mayor Brownie finally approached the mic. There was nary a peep from the townsfolk. “Brad’s Batter Up cake was a real home plate special. Rye-an’s pie was a major league treat.” The food critic, Madam Hannah Loaf, remarked, “Brad’s cake was a punderful hit, and Rye-an’s pie was just Wow!” Finally, Bobby Fillet declared, “Both of you have unquestionably risen to the occasion.”

Mayor Brownie hushed the crown and announced, “The winner of the Punville Bake-Off is … a tie! Both Brad and Rye-an have proven to be icing on the cake!”

Happily Ever After

The assembled cheered wildly as Brad and Rye-an looked at each other, grinned, and embraced. “It just a curd to me,” suggested Brad mid-hug, “that wheat be great together.”

Oven the next cake-tin months, the plan for combining their bakeries came together. Brad and Rye-an sifted through their options; clearly, they were on the same page — simply put, life’s batter when you’re baking. They had a dough-liteful time considering names for their new bakery. “Baking Spirits Bright One Loaf At A Tyme” was deemed too long. “Glazed and Confused” didn’t make the cut, nor did “Loaf and Let Die” or “Slice of Heaven.” Finally, The “Yreka Bakery” moniker won the day! Their collaboration was a recipe for success, and the bakers became the toast of Punville.

Joy In Punville

Brad, Rye-an, and Coach Maurice lived happily ever after, baking puns and bread together. They knew that life was what you bake of it, and they were determined to keep their buns in the oven and their puns in the air. And so, Punville continued to thrive, one groan-worthy pun at a time.

And that, my friends, is the cherry on the top. My pun deed is pan-fully concluded. You batter believe that I have to stop before I crumble!

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Addendum from LSomerby Cooke …

1) Just for the heck of it, I have interspersed 13 palindromes within this blog. Can you find them?

2) The inspiration for this blog’s theme comes from the three most important B’s in my life — Beth, Becca and my Baba, each of whom I love morethanlifeitsownself. The inspiration for this blog’s pun-centric focus is my lifelong, dear friend, Gary.

3) I take pride in the artwork and images gracing my blogs over the past four years. I recognize artists and illustrators here. For this blog, I want to give a special shoutout for the fun images to my longtime friend and go-to illustrator, Rob Barge of Opelika, Alabama. Rob is the founder and proprietor of Hardware Graphic Design + Illustration. He’s an incredibly talented designer and works with companies all over the USA. Rob was the inspiration for my long-ago blog about Why Design Matters. Regardless of what you’re looking to illustrate, visually communicate or brand, do yourself and your company a favor and reach out to Rob at rob@hardwaregraphics.com. You will thank me later.