I had a conversation with a former employee, now a manager, a few weeks ago. He called to seek my advice about a wayward co-worker. He outlined the issues (note: plural), the admin steps that had been taken, and the continued less-than-sterling contributions of the staff member.

I shared my thoughts and wished him luck.

When the chat ended, I simultaneously smiled and felt a shiver run down my spine.

The skin crawling was a knee-jerk reaction to memories of many years of HR responsibilities and associated drama in the workplace.

The smile was clearly associated with no longer having HR responsibilities. (Three Cheers For Retirement!)

I was essentially the “HR Guy” for most of my 35+ years working in nonprofit and for-profit businesses. Fortunately, as the boss, I had a track record of mainly hiring excellent, dedicated people, and as a result, I encountered few issues. Nonetheless, I learned very quickly that hiring is often an iffy proposition and involves a leap of faith.

When I was a young buck coming up through the ranks of corporate USA, I was fortunate to sit at the right hand of a very wise and “seasoned” HR manager. He had me review the paperwork associated with a “problem child” (his words) and then sit (without commenting) in sessions with the employee in question. The “issues” ran the gamut — underperformer, non-compliant, unresponsive, disruptive, negative and even hostile. I was also invited to the meetings where my HR guru provided positive counseling, created action plans, and doled out thanks for jobs well done.

I recognized early on that I was purposefully the second person in the room when an employee was being counseled, particularly in formal or disciplinary situations. This best practice, which I adopted for most of my career, helps ensure fairness, accuracy, and legal compliance. The second person, whom I later encouraged to take detailed and accurate notes, acts as a neutral observer and a credible witness, which protects both the employee and the employer.

My wise personnel compass once told me, “We’re the policies police who have to investigate the crime scenes. I can’t control these employees’ behaviors, but I can surely document them and provide counsel.”

Years after I had left that company, I realized that my HR mentor saw more talent and ability in me than I saw in myself. Perhaps more importantly, he helped bring it out of me. I was too young and obtuse at the time to properly thank him for taking an interest in me. That’s a lesson I learned too late, but one that also served me well as an administrator and in life.

From Sublime to Smiles

As a tribute to my former HR mentor, I will now transition from serious topics to lighter fare.

Most people have received formal assessments of their job performance. The following are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations:

• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
• I would not allow this employee to breed.
• This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
• A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.
• This man’s drinking has not interfered with his work.
• I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
• He’s been working with glue too much.
• He would argue with a signpost.
• He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
• When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
• If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.
• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
• A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
• He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
• If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• It’s hard to believe he beat out 1 million other sperm.
• One neuron short of a synapse.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
• Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
• The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
• The elevator definitely didn’t make it up to the top floor with this guy.

Subtle Letters of Recommendations

Writing letters of recommendation for individuals with questionable qualifications can lead to legal issues, particularly in an era when laws have eroded the confidentiality of business correspondence. In most states, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendation and can even file a lawsuit against the writer if the contents are deemed harmful.

Below is a mini-arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: in other words, you can state a negative opinion of the ex-employee’s poor work habits while allowing the ex-employee to believe/interpret that what you’re offering is praise. The theory is that, when the writer uses these statements, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the phrases are virtually, and in theory, litigation-proof.

• To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
  In my opinion, you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.
• To describe a person who is totally inept:
  I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.
• To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers:
  I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.
• To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled:
  I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.
• To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
  I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.
• To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
  All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.

Thank you, Mr. Jackson, for what you did for me many decades ago. Please accept my apologies for the delay in extending my appreciation. I have no doubts that St. Peter has long been pleased with your gatekeeper contributions in Heaven.